Last time we asked the men for input (on what they were attracted to and what they weren’t), Adam wrote:
“Girls dont understand all the tools they have at their disposal. There is this strong misconception that girls have no choice but to sit and wait around. Nothing could be further from the truth…”
If we have more options than sitting around and waiting, the million-dollar-question is, what can we actually do to help things go the direction we want them to? Could we actually be the ones doing the asking?
We decided to ask a the single men:
What would your reaction be if a girl asked you out on a date? Would you say yes? Would you be put off? Are there exceptions?
These were their replies:
Ryan @ The Singles Ward, 24
Personally, I find girls asking me out to be rather awkward. I’m not against it by any means, but it does seem like a bit of a role reversal. I prefer for the girl to do what she can to let a guy know she would like to go out with him. This means: give him your number, ask him if he knows of something fun to do on such and such night, tell him you are interested in something he is interested in and want to learn how to do it. Point is that if he still isn’t biting, it might be time to re-evaluate your interest. Or if you’ve just got a hunch, let it fly, get aggressive, and ask him out. But if you do, don’t expect him to pay. But if he tries to, don’t turn him down.
I don’t like it when ladies ask me on dates. I was asked twice last week by two ladies who used the word “date” in their request and I had to tell both ladies ‘no.’ There are a hundred things that ladies can do to make it clear that they want to be asked out. If a lady looks at me and smiles every time I enter a room then I will do the rest. If I don’t ask her for more time that means I’m either not interested or that my schedule is too busy right now to fit one in.
If a girl really wanted to try to ask me out, I would hope that she’d pick some function that we were both attending anyway, like a church event, even Sunday services, or a group event, whatever we would be attending together anyway to keep the pressure off and to keep the event from being all about *me* and *us*.
Here is the exact quote, copied out of my facebook mail, of me successfully asking a girl out last week: “I am curious to hear your story [about something I'd picked out of her profile], although it sounds too complicated to discuss over Facebook. Are you going to be at [Church event] this Friday? If so then we could walk slowly to our cars afterward and you can race through the overview.”
That worked because it wasn’t a “date” and we had a topic and I made it sound like I wanted it to be short. It ended up taking us three hours to get to our cars that night once the service was over. It turns out that we’re not the match that I’d hoped for, so that was the end of our “dating” but there’s no bad feelings because we were really just talking. In fact, our friendship is better for it and I have lots more ammunition about things to pick on her for now.
It is true that I only even took the step of mentioning that we could walk because she’d posted “Hey stranger! How have you been?” on my Facebook wall, which is what inspired me to read her profile in the first place. I’d met her in passing three months earlier and then suddenly she posted that and I was interested, so I did the rest of the work. So, maybe I’m busted in that she asked me, but those are the exact words she asked with: zero pressure, just opening the door for me to be the man.
I usually don’t mind being asked out by girls – except for the fact that most of the girls that have asked me out have no idea what they are doing. For example, the other day I was about to ask a girl out when her roommate interrupted the conversation to say to me “You’re going out with me next Friday, Right?”
To which I responded, “Huh?” and feeling I had no other choice, accepted.
This unfortunate girl, having sensed that I was about to ask her roommate out, decided to beat me to the punch. Quite awkwardly, too. And I ended up planning and paying for the whole date. So my advice for women who want to ask a guy out is the following:
- Plan out how you will ask the person out, don’t just stick it in any random spot. There are good moments for asking someone out and there are bad moments for asking someone out. It’s a shame to miss a good moment and an even bigger shame to ask someone out in a bad moment.
- Plan the date before you ask them out, allowing for some flexibility. When I ask out a girl, I always have backups in case the time/date is an issue.
- Explain that you will pay for the date. You shouldn’t ask someone out and expect the other person to pay for it. The worst is when these gender roles get confused and no one knows what is going on.
As a guy, I’d say being asked out by a girl makes me feel kind of lame. I think it has to do with Jerry Seinfeld’s observation: “Men Hunt, and Women Nest.” I was asked out directly, shortly after my mission, and I said yes, but it did not go well. She was cute, fun, we came from similar backgrounds and had similar perspectives on life. We got along great. However, the whole time I felt like “I didn’t choose this” and for that reason I didn’t really put any effort into the relationship. It wasn’t a conscious lack of effort, I liked her, but reflecting on it I can see that that I did the bare minimum for that reason. Needless to say, it fell apart after a month, four or five dates.
So where does that leave the girl who is into a guy? She can’t just ask him out, it will undermine his masculinity. The answer is heavy heavy hints. It requires a lot of creativity, sometimes some scheming, and work, so it totally isn’t fair, but that is the reality of the situation. It is very important though that the hints be heavy and blatant. Us guys, most of us don’t get subtle hints. Hints that girls think are crystal-clear often are completely unnoticed by guys.
Sure girls can ask guys on dates! (Sort of). It sometimes hurts my interest in a girl when asked out for a date, but there are so many wonderful alternatives that a girl can use.
An idea: Ask him for his number to keep him “informed on group activities”, set up a group activity, sit next to him, get to know him. Talk with him about fun stuff and how much fun it would be to go do stuff like that (then wait for him to ask you). If he doesn’t ask don’t give up yet, bring it up another day, ask him if he has gone to do that particular thing, when he says “no” say, “here, take my phone number, call if you need someone to go with” or something to that effect. Flirt with him!! Oh, make sure you step away from your friends to go talk to him!
That was just a thoughtless example, but the point I want to make is that girls have tons of tools at their disposal! You all are beautiful, attractive, smart, funny, and confident when you smile at someone, so don’t be shy. Try and use your multitide of girly tactics to persuade guys to ask you on a date. Show you are receptive. If all your subtle efforts dont work then 1) drop him (he is probably uninterested) or 2) if you dont want to drop him, ask him out. We often are as dumb as bricks and miss all the hints (and sometimes you send conflicting ones! You know you do . The worst that could happen is you get turned down. Don’t let it get you down, keep living life and look for other opportunities! You all are great, just do what you can do stay happy and social and things will work out.
At first thought, I hate it when a girl asks me on a date but I would still say yes if the girl is someone I enjoy being around but not necessarily a love interest. If I am interested in her romantically, I’d feel bad if she made that move before I could and ultimately it might make me question whether she was right for me. But I’d give the girl who asks me for a date credit for doing something though not necessarily the right thing. Most girls think they have no power in dating and/or don’t know what they should be doing to attract interest so they do nothing. Anything is better than nothing even if it is the wrong thing.
But if you do ask a guy for a date, do not take him to a restaurant or anywhere that requires money because he will feel obligated to pay for it out of respect for you. But then that will make him feel that maybe you just wanted a free meal. That feeling is not a plus for you. So if you plan to eat something together, you better make it for him. If you can’t cook, buy it beforehand to eat at home.
John Silva @ Single Mormon Male, 22
If a girl asked me out on a date, I actually would say yes to going out on it! I am always willing to go on one date once with someone, no matter who it is (exceptions apply, generally creepers).
I would say yes because honestly, you meet so many cool people on dates and I know that a majority of the time, the date isn’t going to transform in to anything except a fun time. I like meeting new people and getting to know them and a date is a great way to do that with the opposite sex.
I date for the fun of it, not just to get in to a relationship, even though I am seeking that too. I would hope that a woman asking me on a date would think the same thing too, even though there always is that potential there that it could blossom in to something more.
I like outgoing girls who know what they want, a girl asking me on a date would show signs of that and might increase my interest level as well.
What did you think?
It seems most of the men prefer not to be asked flat-out on a date, but instead offered some great suggestion on other ways you can demonstrate interest in them enough to get them to do the actual asking.
And yet, there were exceptions. What do you think is the difference? When does boldness and courage pay off and when won’t it?
What is your experience?