Last time we asked the men for input (on what they were attracted to and what they weren’t), Adam wrote:
“Girls dont understand all the tools they have at their disposal. There is this strong misconception that girls have no choice but to sit and wait around. Nothing could be further from the truth…”
If we have more options than sitting around and waiting, the million-dollar-question is, what can we actually do to help things go the direction we want them to? Could we actually be the ones doing the asking?
We decided to ask a the single men:
What would your reaction be if a girl asked you out on a date? Would you say yes? Would you be put off? Are there exceptions?
These were their replies:
Ryan @ The Singles Ward, 24
Personally, I find girls asking me out to be rather awkward. I’m not against it by any means, but it does seem like a bit of a role reversal. I prefer for the girl to do what she can to let a guy know she would like to go out with him. This means: give him your number, ask him if he knows of something fun to do on such and such night, tell him you are interested in something he is interested in and want to learn how to do it. Point is that if he still isn’t biting, it might be time to re-evaluate your interest. Or if you’ve just got a hunch, let it fly, get aggressive, and ask him out. But if you do, don’t expect him to pay. But if he tries to, don’t turn him down.
Glenn, 36
I don’t like it when ladies ask me on dates. I was asked twice last week by two ladies who used the word “date” in their request and I had to tell both ladies ‘no.’ There are a hundred things that ladies can do to make it clear that they want to be asked out. If a lady looks at me and smiles every time I enter a room then I will do the rest. If I don’t ask her for more time that means I’m either not interested or that my schedule is too busy right now to fit one in.
If a girl really wanted to try to ask me out, I would hope that she’d pick some function that we were both attending anyway, like a church event, even Sunday services, or a group event, whatever we would be attending together anyway to keep the pressure off and to keep the event from being all about *me* and *us*.
Here is the exact quote, copied out of my facebook mail, of me successfully asking a girl out last week: “I am curious to hear your story [about something I'd picked out of her profile], although it sounds too complicated to discuss over Facebook. Are you going to be at [Church event] this Friday? If so then we could walk slowly to our cars afterward and you can race through the overview.”
That worked because it wasn’t a “date” and we had a topic and I made it sound like I wanted it to be short. It ended up taking us three hours to get to our cars that night once the service was over. It turns out that we’re not the match that I’d hoped for, so that was the end of our “dating” but there’s no bad feelings because we were really just talking. In fact, our friendship is better for it and I have lots more ammunition about things to pick on her for now.
It is true that I only even took the step of mentioning that we could walk because she’d posted “Hey stranger! How have you been?” on my Facebook wall, which is what inspired me to read her profile in the first place. I’d met her in passing three months earlier and then suddenly she posted that and I was interested, so I did the rest of the work. So, maybe I’m busted in that she asked me, but those are the exact words she asked with: zero pressure, just opening the door for me to be the man.
Cory, 25
I usually don’t mind being asked out by girls – except for the fact that most of the girls that have asked me out have no idea what they are doing. For example, the other day I was about to ask a girl out when her roommate interrupted the conversation to say to me “You’re going out with me next Friday, Right?”
To which I responded, “Huh?” and feeling I had no other choice, accepted.
This unfortunate girl, having sensed that I was about to ask her roommate out, decided to beat me to the punch. Quite awkwardly, too. And I ended up planning and paying for the whole date. So my advice for women who want to ask a guy out is the following:
- Plan out how you will ask the person out, don’t just stick it in any random spot. There are good moments for asking someone out and there are bad moments for asking someone out. It’s a shame to miss a good moment and an even bigger shame to ask someone out in a bad moment.
- Plan the date before you ask them out, allowing for some flexibility. When I ask out a girl, I always have backups in case the time/date is an issue.
- Explain that you will pay for the date. You shouldn’t ask someone out and expect the other person to pay for it. The worst is when these gender roles get confused and no one knows what is going on.
John, 26
As a guy, I’d say being asked out by a girl makes me feel kind of lame. I think it has to do with Jerry Seinfeld’s observation: “Men Hunt, and Women Nest.” I was asked out directly, shortly after my mission, and I said yes, but it did not go well. She was cute, fun, we came from similar backgrounds and had similar perspectives on life. We got along great. However, the whole time I felt like “I didn’t choose this” and for that reason I didn’t really put any effort into the relationship. It wasn’t a conscious lack of effort, I liked her, but reflecting on it I can see that that I did the bare minimum for that reason. Needless to say, it fell apart after a month, four or five dates.
So where does that leave the girl who is into a guy? She can’t just ask him out, it will undermine his masculinity. The answer is heavy heavy hints. It requires a lot of creativity, sometimes some scheming, and work, so it totally isn’t fair, but that is the reality of the situation. It is very important though that the hints be heavy and blatant. Us guys, most of us don’t get subtle hints. Hints that girls think are crystal-clear often are completely unnoticed by guys.
Adam, 27
Sure girls can ask guys on dates! (Sort of). It sometimes hurts my interest in a girl when asked out for a date, but there are so many wonderful alternatives that a girl can use.
An idea: Ask him for his number to keep him “informed on group activities”, set up a group activity, sit next to him, get to know him. Talk with him about fun stuff and how much fun it would be to go do stuff like that (then wait for him to ask you). If he doesn’t ask don’t give up yet, bring it up another day, ask him if he has gone to do that particular thing, when he says “no” say, “here, take my phone number, call if you need someone to go with” or something to that effect. Flirt with him!! Oh, make sure you step away from your friends to go talk to him!
That was just a thoughtless example, but the point I want to make is that girls have tons of tools at their disposal! You all are beautiful, attractive, smart, funny, and confident when you smile at someone, so don’t be shy. Try and use your multitide of girly tactics to persuade guys to ask you on a date. Show you are receptive. If all your subtle efforts dont work then 1) drop him (he is probably uninterested) or 2) if you dont want to drop him, ask him out. We often are as dumb as bricks and miss all the hints (and sometimes you send conflicting ones! You know you do 
. The worst that could happen is you get turned down. Don’t let it get you down, keep living life and look for other opportunities! You all are great, just do what you can do stay happy and social and things will work out.
Scott 31
At first thought, I hate it when a girl asks me on a date but I would still say yes if the girl is someone I enjoy being around but not necessarily a love interest. If I am interested in her romantically, I’d feel bad if she made that move before I could and ultimately it might make me question whether she was right for me. But I’d give the girl who asks me for a date credit for doing something though not necessarily the right thing. Most girls think they have no power in dating and/or don’t know what they should be doing to attract interest so they do nothing. Anything is better than nothing even if it is the wrong thing.
But if you do ask a guy for a date, do not take him to a restaurant or anywhere that requires money because he will feel obligated to pay for it out of respect for you. But then that will make him feel that maybe you just wanted a free meal. That feeling is not a plus for you. So if you plan to eat something together, you better make it for him. If you can’t cook, buy it beforehand to eat at home.
John Silva @ Single Mormon Male, 22
If a girl asked me out on a date, I actually would say yes to going out on it! I am always willing to go on one date once with someone, no matter who it is (exceptions apply, generally creepers).
I would say yes because honestly, you meet so many cool people on dates and I know that a majority of the time, the date isn’t going to transform in to anything except a fun time. I like meeting new people and getting to know them and a date is a great way to do that with the opposite sex.
I date for the fun of it, not just to get in to a relationship, even though I am seeking that too. I would hope that a woman asking me on a date would think the same thing too, even though there always is that potential there that it could blossom in to something more.
I like outgoing girls who know what they want, a girl asking me on a date would show signs of that and might increase my interest level as well.
What did you think?
It seems most of the men prefer not to be asked flat-out on a date, but instead offered some great suggestion on other ways you can demonstrate interest in them enough to get them to do the actual asking.
And yet, there were exceptions. What do you think is the difference? When does boldness and courage pay off and when won’t it?
What is your experience?
Crighton
Assuming the women in question has amicable social skills, I’ve always “gone out” when asked. None of these experiences ever resulted in a relationship, but neither where they awkward encounters.
I think ultimately as social norms change and traditional dating goes by the wayside, women will need to take more initiative.
Fei
I’d always been quite the initiator in the dating world and it’d worked out fairly well for me for the most part.
I’d thought what I was doing was asking guys out, but I realize now that I never asked them on dates: I was more of a “hang-outer” than a dater anyway. I would sit with strangers in the cafeteria at college to strike up a conversation, I asked guys for their number all the time (if they didn’t beat me to it), but most of the time, what I did was invite them to join my friends and I in some activity we were doing (and we were always doing something). I loved getting to know guys that way.
Some guys never showed any interest. Some guys I decided I didn’t like. Some guys wanted nothing to do with me at all. But I still managed to start off a couple of relationships. Pretty good ones too.
Parker Cain
I have been asked out by girls. I don’t think it is such a big deal. But I would agree it is much easier and smoother for a girl to show interest by just talking to someone. Guys are not idiots, we can tell if a girl is interested by the way she speaks to us. If girls want to be asked out you can’t be an ice queen because no one is gonna walk into a pride shoot down fest just for the fun of it.
Fei
Eek. A pride shoot down fest. Is that we women put men through?
Haven’t we all figured out that dating should be an ego-stroking exercise, not an ego-bashing one?
Luca
Yes it’s scary for women to ask men out, because they have to actually put something on the line and risk rejection. But this is what men have to deal with every day. And it’s only fair that women should have to put as much on the line as men in dating — *whatever* that means for them.
Putting something on the line *doesn’t* mean just sitting around and waiting for something to happen. For some women it will mean putting themselves out there more — actually flirting, which is very attractive to guys, especially in older singles’ wards where girls don’t flirt or respond to flirting as much as they used to. For some women it will mean putting a bit of extra effort into making themselves more attractive in personality, looks, interests, etc. — as much as you may not like competing, the reality is that you’re in a dating “free market” and need to be competitive.
One key thing that girls don’t seem to know is that guys often *know* a girl but don’t *notice* her until they realize the girl is interested in them — and she suddenly becomes much more attractive to him, partly because he can know he’s not risking as much as usual by reciprocating that interest (he won’t be shot down), and partly because girls project their attractiveness when they are making their interests clear. You don’t have to be a floozy to show a guy you are interested, and you don’t even have to ask him out — you can get him to ask you out, you just have to be clear and emotionally honest in your communications with him. And contrary to almost every woman’s beliefs that I have discussed this with, it is *not* usually the case that men will be turned off by a girl who is forthright with her interests or feelings — it just makes things much easier for the guy when it’s clear that the girl has been as willing to put something on the line as she would hope of him.
You have no idea how much more attractive girls are that are clearly interested… their eyes sparkle when they look at you… interacting with them is more fun… don’t just hide your light under a bushel and hope he’s in the habit of overturning bushels to see if there’s a light burning!
Women tend to broadcast on the wrong wavelength — every girl in the room knows *exactly* what message a girl is sending a guy, but the guy is clueless. Speak his language, broadcast on his wavelength, be clear and direct with him — but most importantly make it fun, be lighthearted, warm and enthusiastic. Let him know that regardless of how he reacts to your expressed interest, you’ll be fine, and you can take care of your own feelings — he’s not going to crush you if he rejects you, and you’re not going to become a little puppy following him around if he accepts or asks you out on that first date. By making it into a simple, fun interaction with zero consequences either way other than “you would have fun with me on a date”, you can land that date with your man. Let him know that all the pressure is off, you’re fun, and he would *want* to spend time with you over those other, more complicated girls
Fei
Thank you so much for your comment, Luca, especially for pointing out that guys are expected to make themselves vulnerable in the dating world. I agree that it’s only fair if the women do the same if in different ways.
Isn’t it funny how simple (no pressure) interest is attractive? Girls get so shy about it and try to hide it when it should be used to our advantage through flirting. I mean, which guy doesn’t appreciate a good ego boost?
I’ve been hesitant to mention the word “compete” in the dating world, because it sounds so combative, and comparative. But it really is the reality.
In the dating world, it isn’t necessarily about being better. Just like opening a restaurant in the free market: you have to know your niche. Why people will come to you instead of all the other places, why you are unique, and what only you have to offer them that they want.
Jeremy
So well put!
Parker Cain
Amen to that
Eliezer
Wow, this was really eye opening to me. I naturally assumed that in this day and age of the idealized “equal partnership” if one person was interested in another and wanted to go out they would just ask, without worrying about the gender of the one phrasing the question. Obviously, that’s not the case and I’m completely clueless here.
So this has been helpful. Thanks.
Jeremy
I think you make the same mistake that many are making in thinking that equal means the same. Equal is very different from the same. If you are looking for an equal and same partnership then you are looking for an homosexual partnership and I am sure you aren’t. Men and women aren’t the same even though we are equal.
Persephone
From the replies, I’ve decided the only kind of guys I would ask out directly are the extra shy ones because they don’t seem to know how to date and do the asking. But how many girls actually notice those guys and want to go out with them?
These guys that have shared their opinion, they seem like the kind who like making the move. They don’t need to be asked out so they definitely would rather not be.
John Silva
I’m amazed how different my view is from everyone else. Maybe it is because I am at a different stage in dating considering I am younger than the other people who replied?
But than again, I really have not been asked out by a girl since my mission. Maybe if I actually was asked out by a girl I would feel different and think much like the other guys who replied?
Who knows, I’ll let you guys know if a girl ever asks me out how I end up feeling about it
Jeanna
I’ve always felt strange when I’ve asked a guy on a date. Mostly, I could tell they didn’t really want to be there. It took a few of those awkward dates to realize that if the guy really wanted to go out with me he would have already asked me out.
Plus, I agree that there are a lot of other ways to make sure a guy knows your interested.